Friday 05.03.2013

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Today was a little bittersweet. After almost a year my therapist, we’ve called it a day. The best compliment that I could give her was that I’m a better person for having met her. She told me that she’ll miss me and we shook hands and I walked out of therapy for the last time. I’m glad that we both came to the conclusion that it was time to sew things up; that means that the journey I started with her damned near a year ago is over. That means that the whole process- which was sometimes casual, other times very hard to process, meant something. That the guy who called up Ryan and said “I really need help” in the weeks after my ‘big breakup’ got help.

My therapist (I told her about this blog so I’m not sure if I should mention her name?) was assigned to me. I’m not sure she knew what she was getting into when she signed off on taking me as a client and I’m sure there were points where I frustrated her to no end, but ultimately… she was exactly the person I needed, exactly when I needed her.

I’ve said for years that if my life weren’t my life, it would be the life I wanted. That’s true. I had my cake and ate it too (if you’ve seen old pictures of me, I apparently ate LOTS of cakes) for years and when people allowed me to be not so great of a person- I took it. I’d like to say that I don’t know why I did; but the unflattering truth is I treated people with less respect than they deserved because I could. Because I hated their weakness. I hated my own weaknesses and tried to eradicate them with logic and a lack of compassion for those who needed it.

I’m not sure why I lot of you folks stayed friends with me, to be truthful. I’m damned glad you did though.

So yeah. I said goodbye. There’s a chance I’ll never see or speak to her again- this person who I credit for literally rebooting me as a human being. That’s a weird thought and I’d like to hope that one of these days we’ll cross paths and I’ll tell her what I’m up to in life, that some days are good for me and other days are bad. She calls that being human.

I couldn’t have gotten through the last year without her, and even if I never see her again, I’ll certainly never forget her.

I left her office and had lunch with Robert and Carm. I biked home to start a batch of lactofermented pickles which’ll take a week or so to properly pickle. I deviled Bailey. I laid and bed with thoughts drifting back to the Stay Calm event and kissing the prettiest woman there several times over the course of Saturday night and what that means to me. I BBQd some lamb and cleaned up a little. My days are like that, sometimes. Sometimes they’re not.

Biking over to see Devon while I have ten pounds of  groceries in my bag just to talk about cheesecurds. Late night chatting with Falicia about my contempt for pants. Catching up with friends at the Bike Stop, making dinner plans and meaning it. Getting fitted for a new sports coat that’s not solid black like everything else I own and for once making eye contact when I look in the mirror. Laying in bad grumpy or working through it at the gym. The ups and downs of being alive.

I want to not only live a life worth remembering, but to be able to kick around for a good long time to fill it with adventures. Good ones and bad. That means the joy of falling in love with someone like Claire as well as the pain of what came after. That means having to eulogize friends like Shannon Larratt because being in that position means that I got to be a part of his life for long enough and intimately enough to be the person who has to do it. That means seeing new friends come into my life and old friends check out; by choice or chance.

After my friend Keith Alexander passed away a few years ago I made the pledge to live a genuine life. I think that I got off track there for a bit, but thanks to the last year or learning and growing, I think I’m finally back where I want to be.

 

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