Friday 04.05.13

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Last night I jokingly posted on my Facebook page, which can be found here, that every day is the best day of my life. The older I get, the more true that becomes. The last year has seen it’s share of chaos for me (but how many years have I said that? It’s all a cycle) but here I am up early on Friday morning, lounging with Bailey before heading to the Riverview to see EVIL DEAD with Joe and I’m happy to say that I love my life.

Over the last year I’ve made so much progress- finally taking ownership of some of the problems I’ve had my entire life and working through them with therapy, going to the gym on a pretty strict schedule and taking ownership of my health and fitness, cultivating new friendships instead of being a hermit- at almost 39 years old I finally have a life that’s balanced. I’ve always had a fun life, but never one where it was pretty much good all of the time. No hidden skeletons of an unhappy relationship, no struggling with feelings that I can’t control.

I can’t say that my therapist is 100% responsible; certainly I’ve put the work in and had a commitment to reevaluate my life and make the changes that need made, but she’s been there with me for almost a year giving me advice and helping me work through a lot of things that have constantly caused issues in my past relationships- romantically or otherwise. Yesterday was my biweekly appointment and she asked me if I’ve given any thought to wrapping things up. Truthfully, I have. It’s not that I don’t look forward to my appointments- just that there comes a logical closure point and the last few sessions I’ve considered asking her if we need to keep meeting. She felt the same way. My next appointment is going to be my last. One week shy of 365 days since my relationship ended; the horribly codependent relationship that caused so much chaos in my life (though truthfully- the chaos was there before the betrayal) when it came to an end.

I look back at the person I was then and I’m so different now. I know I’ve talked at length about that in past updates, but… living in my head (and body) has been so surreal the past year and it’s been this really rad process to figure all this stuff out. That I can change. I was so proud of my stubbornness and my pride (yes. I was proud of pride.) and was very comfortable being static on just about everything. Because that’s how I am. No other explanations needed. It’s this way because it is. I wonder sometimes how anyone stayed around me for as long as they did. But I started realizing that while my life was never short on adventure, it was really only good during the fun times, the chaos and the debauchery. Then I’d have to return to real life and just sort of wait for the next adventure.

The last year has proved to me that every day is the next adventure. Walking Bailey to the park and watching him chase flies. Making ice cream for friends and watching Game of Thrones. Going Ziplining in the Pochonos. Meeting new old friends in Vegas. So many first dates. A relationship that came, didn’t work out, ended but we stayed friends. There’s a first. Reconnecting with old friends due to another old friend’s death. Finding the silver lining because it’s always there.

I’m glad that the people who’ve supported me all these years have stuck around and I hope that I’ve become a person who’s deserving of all of the love and fun that they’ve brought into my life.

Photo: Hyperstoic self portrait.

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