Tuesday 02.19.13

72661_10200414610195320_2031647223_nI spent most of last night watching cult horror and sleaze with my friend Brooke (I’ll need to start last initialing- I have three friends named Brooke) and upon waking up this morning had full intention of doing my regular gym visit. Until it started raining. The motivation left me quickly, so instead of ‘feeling the burn’ I watched more cult horror and sleaze and fell asleep in the bathtub. Again.

I think I sleep more in the bath every week than I do in bed. Everyone in my life who knows about this bad habit (I feel it’s a perfectly fine habit) worries about my longterm health and safety but for my money, I’m just glad that I’m getting the extra sleep. The insomnia of last year has returned and I’m back to averaging 21-25 hours a week of sleep. It’s been causing personality changes, weird bursts of uncontrolled emotion that I’m having difficulty processing. Little things are effecting me more than big things; things that logic can justify I can get over, but weird little things are making me sentimental or wistful. I’m going to need to talk to my therapist about that this week; I don’t like it at all. It reminds me of when I was on Celexa- uncontrollable emotion tinged with my more predictable and comfortable coldness. Last week’s therapy visit was one of the best I’ve had in months and I really want to roll with that momentum and try to figure out what the heck is going on in my noggin.

When I first started going to therapy I wanted her to help me work on expanding my emotional range; I thought that I didn’t like being more logical than emotional and that I could have someone ‘fix’ me. Over the last few months I’ve been more comfortable with my range; it can be frustrating to my friends and loved ones (though I’d say that my closest friends accept me in ways that I’m incredibly grateful for) that I’m emotionally repressed sometimes but I think that’s part and parcel with who I am.

Tonight is movie night with Erin (we say I love you sometimes. See. I emote) to see the new Die Hard flick. It’s going to be bad. Really bad. But Erin loves her action movies and there’s no really sappy romantic comedies out that I want to see, so it’s a hits for the team situation. They can’t all be Letters to Juliette or Twilight, I guess and I could use some venting and decompressing. Until then I’m going to switch from exploitation movies to some mindless crap, not feel too guilty about not going to the gym and devil Bailey with his stinky lamb.

I’m all about breaking down obstacles.

Photo: Ganesha wheatpaste, Philadelphia

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