I had decided that today was going to be this horrible, emotionally traumatic day. That I’d be distraught, barely able to keep my shit together. And here I am, sipping chai tea and watching Clue and… everything is fine. The wounds that I’ve been tending for the last five months are healed, it seems. I woke up to a handful of texts from my amazing friends, some checking in and some just offering love. I sat here in bed for a second and just exhaled.
I took a bike ride to the site where, had things been different, I’d be getting married right now. (as a coincidence, I started this entry at the same time we were set to walk down the aisle. On the dot. Hello, synchronicity) I sat in front of the venue and again waited for the melancholy to take hold; to lose it. And again… I didn’t.
I think I’m done. Finally.
We had an amazing three and a half years together. I’m a better person for having dated her and I’ll always hold very dear to my heart the memories of what we had. I really wanted her to have been the love of my life. Funny how it all plays out. I’ll think of her, I’m sure, as the years go on, but it’s done, and I think my grieving is finally done, too. I can’t allow someone who’s not in my life anymore to affect it. I can only hope that she has fond memories of me, too. That we both go into the next phase of our lives not holding onto any baggage. I’ve done that, and it’s toxic. It eats at you. I envy people who can stay friends with their exes, but that’s just doesn’t work for me. Still… I truly do love her, and wish her nothing but an amazing life, even if I’m not in it.
So here I am, in jeans and a tshirt instead of a suit and tie, slowly sipping a celebratory 30 year old Scotch and, despite my fears of the contrary, am fine.
I rarely if ever drink, but this seemed like a good way to close the book.
Honestly, I can’t express how much I appreciated the texts from my amazing circle of friends. After that unpleasantness last year where we found out that a close friend was a flaming douchebag I’ve radically cut down my list of confidants; knowing that the people I love unconditionally love me, too… It’s an amazing feeling. Had I been a wreck today, I know these friends would have dropped everything to make me better. I endeavor to be as good of a friend to them as they are to me. I’m not always the most attentive friend, but… I hope to work harder and live up to the friendship they so freely give to me.
Thank you. All of you.
(I can’t wait until I stop trying to stick with a spooooky daily photo theme)