The hurt doesn’t go away; you just make room for it.
I woke up this morning from a bad dream. You’d think that it had something do with the insane amount of horror films I’ve been watching the last two weeks, but it wasn’t. No zombies, monsters, mutants or freaks, just this incredible sense of loneliness that caused me to wake up in a panic, searching around the room with a flashlight and only finding the ever faithful Bailey asleep at my side. I knew these two weeks were going to stir up some weird feelings and that despite all of the advances I’ve made with my mental health in the last few months I was bound to have a little setback. Knowing that and feeling that are two separate things.
I’m making the most of it- PMA isn’t just something that I espouse when I’m not feeling blue. I’m trying to dissect the ennui and do my best to make peace with everything so I can finally close the door on it. I had made a promise after my mother passed away to not allow keystones- Her birthday, the anniversary of her passing- become magnets for grief. If I allow myself a moment of reflection every day to think about how amazing she was, I’ll not turn those emotionally charged days into a year’s worth of sadness. Maybe that’s what I need to do with this situation. Just allow myself the good memories with the hopes that on days like anniversaries, the ‘big day’ etc won’t really have any power over me.
I’ve continued my weird relationship with OKCupid; still pretty much the same luck as before. Trying to make friends keeps ending in building short term relationships and then never hearing from them again. I don’t mind being a one night stand, but… tell me that. I don’t mind the relationship just being a text based one, but… tell me that. So strange how it all works out. if anything it’s providing me with fascinating insight into social interaction and building up a pool of fun anecdotes. Best case scenario I make a few new friends or at least a few good stories. I’ve got a first date tomorrow with a lady that I’ve been talking to for a few weeks. She seems really nice and is nervous about us meeting. I think it’s cute. I’m not really nervous, but it’s nice to be in a situation where jitters are applicable. Much like other people in my life (Megh? Do you read this? I talk about you from time to time. Creepy, huh?) she might be weirded out by the frankness with which I document my life publicly… so maybe I’ll tell her from the get-go that I’m one of ‘those people’ just to give her fair warning.
Today was an early one. The bad dream woke me up before nine am. I took Bails for an extra long walk which delighted him to no end. He loves sniffing things so the park is a wonderland for him of smells to be explored. When I brought him back home he was tuckered out so I left him in bed and biked into Center City to do a little shopping (Failed at Old Navy, scored at Modells) before busting my ass at the gym for a few hours. After taking a few days off- NYC + a rainy Monday- going back was rough seas. I made sure to spend a little extra time stretching before I started my workout and that really seemed to help things stay loose; my workout was an asskicker but I left the gym feeling ok. Still might pick some epsom salts up at Target tonight, but as of now I don’t feel like a truck hit me.
Right now I’m just goofing around waiting to head out to movie night. Erin and I picked ARGO for tonight’s selection. It seems like a slam dunk; amazing cast, interesting story and Ben Affleck with a beard. I’m looking forward to it, and to my after movie chat with Erin. Tonight is one of those nights where I need it. I know that the whiny emo cloud over me will lift, probably sooner rather than later, but right now I’m feeling like a grump and movies + Erin will de a good way to push out the jive a little quicker than it just working out on it’s own. That and a pre-movie trip to Target to buy Moonrise Kingdom on DVD.
(This is when I left for Target, having lost track of time watching WALKING DEAD season two episodes back to back)
Argo was great. Really great retro aesthetic, killer ensemble cast and the humor hinted at in the trailer (“the best worst idea we’ve got”) really helps mellow the tension. And it’s tense. Even if you google how it ends (which Erin did) it’s still tense. But… painful though it is to type this.. Affleck is a damn fine director. He knows how to move the narrative along. He knows where to put the tension, where to put the humor and how to have you gripping your seats wondering if everyone is going to make it out even though you know how it’s going to end. I really loved The Town and Robert keeps telling me to see Gone Baby Gone (reminder to check Netflix, Hulu Plus and Prime to see if it’s streaming) despite my Casey Affleck aversion… You win this time, Ben Affleck…. you win.
My Target run was a success; Moonrise Kingdom was purchased. I think Wes Anderson is a ‘love him or hate him’ sort of filmmaker and I for sure trend into the former. I saw it theatrically a few times and it really had a ‘classic love story’ vibe to it that was much needed when I saw it. I’m curious to see how it’ll affect me now.
I can’t offer you a legally binding union, it won’t hold up in the state, the county or frankly any court in the world due to your age, lack of a license and failure to get parental consent BUT the ritual does carry a very important moral weight within yourselves – you can’t enter into this lightly. Look into my eyes – do you love each other?
31 Days of Horror Films 2012:
- House of 1000 Corpses.
- The Devil’s Rejects.
- The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2.
- The Innkeepers.
- The Strangers.
- Nightmare before Christmas/Coraline/Frankenweenie. (2012)
- Hellraiser/Nightbreed/Lord of Illusions.
- A Nightmare on Elm Street/A Nightmare on Elm Street 2.
- Cabin in the Woods.
- Halloween 4/5
- No Movie- travel day.
- Trick R Treat
- Sinister (2012)
- Walking Dead Season II. Yes. The entire season.
Photo: St. Peter’s Cemetery, Philadelphia PA