Hey! It’s 10-11-12.
I’ve been thinking a lot tonight about being single again. Obviously I thought that my ex would be the last person I dated; as we approach what would have been our wedding (10.20) I’m still sort of blown away that not only am I not going to be married, but that I’m starting my romantic life over just shy of forty. Kind of not how I saw my life going.
I’ve blogged extensively about my breakup, anonymously, The first few weeks after we parted were rough. Rougher than I’ve ever experienced after a breakup and I needed to get it all out. Apologies that I never got to give her. Anger about the betrayal on her part that caused the argument that caused the end of our breakup. From an anonymous May 26th 2012 entry:
One of the things I worry about is that, in the end, she wasn’t who I thought she was.
We weren’t who I thought we were.
It’s one thing to have to face my part in this breakup, but when I step back, having accepted the accountability for my contribution to the end of this relationship, I’m starting to see her as someone other than the person I’ve been in love with for four years. I had put her on a pedestal; idealized her. And in the end, she was as messed up as any of us are.
That’s really upsetting.
I’ve come to grips with the fact that I’ll never voluntarily see her again. I have no interest in interacting with her; it would be too difficult and emotionally destructive- nothing good could come of it for me. Who she was to me was what I wanted- anything else isn’t worth the hurt. But what worries me the most is that I’ll never have what I had with her again.
Oh, I’ll fall in love again, for sure. I just worry that I won’t have that ‘spark’ that I had with her. And as I explore life as a single person that worry keeps getting reinforced. It’s difficult. One of the peculiarities of my work life is that meeting single women rarely happens. When I do they’re usually less than sober, something that’s a possible red flag for me.
So I resort to… OKCupid.
I know I shouldn’t. I’ve had a profile on OKC for damn near 7 years but I’ve only dated one lady thanks to the site, and the relationship was so bad that thanks probably shouldn’t be the word I use. But for some reason I stick with it. Truthfully, right now I’m just trying to use it to make new friends; for the time being I think I should concentrate on being single and fixing things in my life that need fixed. But I need to expand my friend circle, so I’ve foolishly chosen OKC as a means to do it.
Not going so well, for what it’s worth.
I have to start thinking it’s me, not them, because all attempts of meeting new people ends up with a fun little text fling then.. nothing. I have a routine when it comes to new friends on the site: They message me. I realize that it’s much more overwhelming being a woman on that site than a man, so I figure if you find me interesting, you’ll get in touch. And they do. They shoot me an introductory message and I respond. We chat back and forth. They offer their cell phone number and we start texting.
Sometimes it’s flirty. Sometimes it’s just a great burgeoning friendship. But invariably… they stop getting in touch. I go back and re-read the discourse to see if it was something I said. And for the life of me… I can’t find the commonality. I don’t obsess over it, really. But it does lead me to wonder what happened. Some of them seemed really rad; people I could spend time with and end up being really good friends with, if not more. Ladies who watch the weird cult movies I watch, or who are as into tattoos, or hell, anything. Hours of texting and then nothing.
I worry that even though I put it out there that I’m just looking for friends, and they claim the same, that my lack of pushing for something more makes them move on. I’ve heard that it’s difficult to meet friends when you’re over 30, but hell….
Oh well. I’m not Mr. Melancholy tonight or anything, just musing on things. At least I have you guys, right?
Photo: Pushead MECHATERROR!