I’m finally home from work. It’s almost 4:30am and I should be worn out. While my bar backs stocked the coolers I lined three stools up and stretched out on them. I might have even fallen asleep for a tick. But now I’m wide awake. My feet are killing me, having broken the ‘no Chuck Taylors for longer than two hours’ rule. My muscles are sore from a long strenuous work day. And I still can’t get comfortable enough to sleep. Lots of stuff going on in my head and with all of the stresses of the OUTFEST weekend, I really don’t have an outlet for them. One more work day (the big one, for what it’s worth. It’ll be like several work days combined) and I’m off for three days. Then after two shifts… NYCC/Pushead. Just have to have it to look forward to, something to dwell on that’s healthy.
Speaking of- The tattoo fitness video came out good, in theory. I like how we shot it, but the audio is subpar so we’re going to reshoot it. I have to admit I’m very excited that we’re going all out on this; it’s only five minute video but I like that Jay cares enough TO go all out. I snagged this quote from his training website, and it really sums up the last few months of my life:
“I believe that only you can liberate yourself from the destructive cycles that you are trapped in, and that you know in your heart that you deserve to be free, happy, and whole.”
That’s totally true. I used to spend so much time lamenting about the little things, or even the big things that I forgot that I could break out of that cycle. The negativity. The co-dependence. The unhealthy lifestyle. Even now during what’s a pretty rough time for me, I’m still trying to think about all of the positives in my life. Not just the greedy manchild plusses like Pushead and the convention/NYC trip, but that my life even being chaotic is still good. That I can prioritize things and make the most of the time I have. I really am sorry to be all soap boxy but that drive for change really starts with yourself. I had tried changing for other people or changing myself for them. Now I’m doing it all for me, which makes me a better person to be around. And I usually say “it’s hard” to do that. But in the end it’s not, really. Do the right thing. Be honest with yourself. Work harder.
My good buddy Keith Alexander had this to say about putting in the hard work:
“I’m doing the best I can” is a bullshit cop-out usually uttered by mantra-spewing weaklings who don’t know what mantras really are. “I’ll try harder”, “I disagree” or even “fuck you” are preferable to the “I’m doing the best I can” whine. My answer? “No you’re not. I’m not, you’re not and most people aren’t. We can always do better.”
Man I miss him. There’s a dude who could give me really practical advice, free of pandering but still coming from a place of total love and concern for my wellbeing. He passed away in 2005. Hard to believe.
Like I said- Brain is going to weird places tonight.
Photo: The Jawbone of an Ass- from Keith Alexander.